Here is a shortened version of how I'm feeling: I have major anxiety issues, despite being born uptight and preparing for danger at every corner, I have had to peer and analyze (the same tools I use to keep my anxiety alive), the fundamental reasons I can't, for lack of words, "Chill Out." And, it's pretty simple, as simple as climbing the tallest mountain, the mountain in abstract terms just being a singular entity, this entity is huge and it's almost too much to climb, and that is "Living in the Now." I want to make the most concise, efficient, kind and gentle choice, all the time. I don't want to leave anyone hanging, or make anyone feel left out, I want to make sure I'm not wasting my time, and giving the gifts I was meant to give, and making sure my family is always happy and fulfilled by my attentive nurturing, being the right kind of friend, trying to have all the answers at any given moment, and preparing for any let downs before they occur. I became self deprecating early on, to give defense to all the ways I couldn't possibly be competent enough for whatever is at hand. I will gladly throw myself under the bus verbally, if I see there is an awkward pause in conversation, or to break up an ugly conversation. When my mind can scope so wide and see that we are all broken and suffering on some level, I want to smooth over those moments, and in some cases, I am choking life...I'm not letting the ugly be. You can appear to be a proud person controlling your surroundings, but in the mind of someone with anxiety, your heart is in it and you are convinced you're helping. Ironically, trying to bandage moments all the time, I end up looking like an Ass, and cause an uglier scene, and that truly makes me sad. However, that's ok. It's ok to be sad, to be an Ass sometimes, to get on people's nerves, to flounder, to be less than perfect. In trying to be maintain the order, I'm not letting the organic tide in, which in so many ways washes away and brings to shore the things in life that need to occur. I don't want to feel like I have this obligation to be the best at everything;That's not real, and certainly don't know where that parasite of a mind F&*@ was contracted. Anxiety is a rope you tie on to everything, trying to anchor moments and pull them steady (moments, that perhaps need to be let go), but living in the now, is not so much an ignorance is bliss tale, but a surrender to grace. *be kind unwind* With Love and Kindness, Nicole
Posted by Nicole Harris at 9:54 AM
I really really want to keep up with this blog. I think I have been mentally tinkering around with the way I want to go on here. Basically, keep it like a happy and hopeful conversation. Sharing what I love, and sharing my sweet family with you.
I am definitely going through the Winter blues, as I do when it's Winter. I tend to feel just like the bare branches that start to droop and break from too much snow pile up. However,I love Winter for the fact, that even though I feel sluggish without the light of the sun, I go into a reflective state during this time. When Spring arrives, I am thankful for the time I had to mentally plan for a new personal growth. I am appreciative of the slower pace as well. I get to snuggle more with my kids, and drinking ample amounts of hot drinks during the day makes sense! And, I tend to shop online more (good or bad?)
This is a song I put on my Winter mix:"I'm doing Winterfull!" It's the energy I am craving during these stagnant and introspective times. It is an artificial way of facilitating a Sun Bath, via music. Enjoy! And stay tuned for pics, quotes, rambles, recipes, links, etc. Happy Tuesday (the most boring day of the week) just kidding.
This video is Beautiful, visually and symbolically. I hope in the many Falls I am blessed to live in, I share the happiness I feel with those friends who feel the same way. We are known as "Fall Freaks." Maybe a subculture of people who become lifted spiritually during this time. Those who have a transformation with the turning of the leaves. Those who become giddy in the crisp air. Those who feel like children, with no idea they aren't perfect. To watch these older people, dressed up to play outside, causing mischief in the most sincere and ornery way, makes me treasure those friends I hope to grow old with. The ones who push you and love you, no matter what. The correlation of the season's ability to cause a burst of color before the fade away is like the friendships that make it through the years, brightening in length and diminishing in a concentrated beam behind the trees, the colors going back into the light that filled the beings with light.
Posted by Nicole Harris at 9:32 PM
(pictures of my sweet Ali pie: 2 years old). Finally, it's Spring feeling out! Vitamin D heaven! Blooming trees, blue sky, fluffy clouds, sounds of lawn mowers, and the smell of meat on the grill, wafting through the easy veil of fresh cut grass and flower essences. I am completely ready to thaw out my icy cold demeanor. Winter freezes my spirit, along with my toes. As cliche as it sounds, I am ready for a rebirth. I have a tendency to mimic my moods with the seasons, so this is natural. Fresh air and Fresh Vibes, bring them to me! More of my candid thoughts tomorrow, but until then, here's a great song to fit the Celebration of Springtime:
Posted by Nicole Harris at 10:38 PM
Hello, I'm back. I am not going to rush into a picture, or a song link, or a current favorite outfit, that somehow exemplifies my total mood. I am going to ramble a bit nonchalantly. I want to venture out in an organic way. I want to elucidate my current state by the flow of the flow. I'm in a wobbly spot. I find myself completely saturated in soft buzzing chaos of thoughts when I get a moment. The feeling is uneasy, but cool, aloof, but moving, tired and ambitious. I think this is the wobble. I want to move, but I want to stay: the feeling of fighting to be on the hunting trail or the anticipatory defense. Both primal urges, like I have them from my late late late hunting and gathering ancestors. In other words,being intellectually trapped in my thoughts or activating my ideas by actual experiences: which way to go? and for how long?
I have a tendency to feel guilty about whatever I choose to do, like I should be doing something else. This is an erroneous way to live...I'm over it. I have to turn off the fight or flight consciously and decide with certainty that the state I am choosing to be in, is right, and that state takes x amount of time, and that's the way it is. Everything takes the amount of time it takes and I cannot argue with that. So,the inability to be at ease is as far deep as my personality runs, taking the form of simple to complex anxieties. Point being, I'm always anxious. Always wobbling I guess. That being said, how am I now? I intellectualize emotions to their god particle:Higgs Boson. So here I am, in a tender spot. A tender spot, being an acutely aware self. I'm not even sure I can control how much I tend to focus. Hocus Focus! Letting go...being a gatherer of comedy and fun! I want to laugh more, laugh like it's second to breathing. Laugh, with the ease of rolling hills, leaf tornadoes, puddle ripples, and exhales. Yes, those are fine examples. I want to incorporate this laughing medicine until I can find the humor without it's attached sarcasm, but true whole and honest, hilarity that is life...in any given moment.
Posted by Nicole Harris at 12:08 AM