Anxiety 101 (a love note from an anxiety sufferer)

Here is a shortened version of how I'm feeling: I have major anxiety issues, despite being born uptight and preparing for danger at every corner, I have had to peer and analyze (the same tools I use to keep my anxiety alive), the fundamental reasons I can't, for lack of words, "Chill Out." And, it's pretty simple, as simple as climbing the tallest mountain, the mountain in abstract terms just being a singular entity, this entity is huge and it's almost too much to climb, and that is "Living in the Now." I want to make the most concise, efficient, kind and gentle choice, all the time. I don't want to leave anyone hanging, or make anyone feel left out, I want to make sure I'm not wasting my time, and giving the gifts I was meant to give, and making sure my family is always happy and fulfilled by my attentive nurturing, being the right kind of friend, trying to have all the answers at any given moment, and preparing for any let downs before they occur. I became self deprecating early on, to give defense to all the ways I couldn't possibly be competent enough for whatever is at hand. I will gladly throw myself under the bus verbally, if I see there is an awkward pause in conversation, or to break up an ugly conversation. When my mind can scope so wide and see that we are all broken and suffering on some level, I want to smooth over those moments, and in some cases, I am choking life...I'm not letting the ugly be. You can appear to be a proud person controlling your surroundings, but in the mind of someone with anxiety, your heart is in it and you are convinced you're helping. Ironically, trying to bandage moments all the time, I end up looking like an Ass, and cause an uglier scene, and that truly makes me sad. However, that's ok. It's ok to be sad, to be an Ass sometimes, to get on people's nerves, to flounder, to be less than perfect. In trying to be maintain the order, I'm not letting the organic tide in, which in so many ways washes away and brings to shore the things in life that need to occur. I don't want to feel like I have this obligation to be the best at everything;That's not real, and certainly don't know where that parasite of a mind F&*@ was contracted. Anxiety is a rope you tie on to everything, trying to anchor moments and pull them steady (moments, that perhaps need to be let go), but living in the now, is not so much an ignorance is bliss tale, but a surrender to grace. *be kind unwind* With Love and Kindness, Nicole